Thursday, October 25, 2007

Cornered.....

You know there's this phase of your life when all the things that matter most to you come crashing onto you at the same time.....And you don't know how to handle things...Even if you know how to handle... you really don't know what you're supposed to be looking at first!! When things come hitting you really hard.... and at the most crucial phase of your life....

Maybe I look at things differently... but however I try to look at it in any other way... I am not able to really comprehend the situation... Is it so difficult to give up a few things in life for the person you love?? Always gonna be a question mark.... I've always known what are the important things in life... and have been able to put aside a few things to go on with the more important things... But when you don't see that happening around you... I guess you just feel that the fire has died down... That fire that came out of understanding a world without the person you care for from inside... That fire that would take you into a different realm... When that dies down... Ppl think that they are invincible and take a lot of things for granted... But what to do... I don't seem to know how to handle any of this.... It hurts and pains to see the way things are happening in front of my life... but then like I always believe its taken two hands to clap... And i don't see a probable and possible life without the person I love... And for sure, life has become a lot simpler and easier when the person you love is around you.... But at what cost... Being humiliated??? In a very subtle way off course... but humiliation is humiliation....

And apart from this so many other things hitting onto me really hard.... My future... Where I'm gonna be a few years down the line... how i'm gonna be able to support my family without my father or family's help... Always wanted to be someone independently and not just fall back to what has landed upon me.. That could just be a cushion or a pillow... But its us who have gotta find a life for ourself... But when all of these different things come and hit you at the same time... you're handicapped... and feel like leaving everything and just lying down without any hope or belief in anything.....

And at this stage when you feel the support you had was falling... And you try to look around for a life that can make you feel like you mean something in it... Maybe its life's way of telling me to do something... Just wish I'd know what it was that I'm supposed to be doing... Coz i really don't understand now... I'm clear with what I want... But am not sure of how to get there.... And desperation is leading me to give up on certain core values I believe in... I guess I have to start planning the way I survive or live through this... Its time I start being selfish and think of myself... Just don't know whether I can survive this holocaust or am I being deceived... And whether this is what I want for myself..... I need help... need my friends... need to be understood .... Don't know if i wanna just run away from everything... And i have never been able to issue an ultimatum... I see hope for myself only with my family.... I think that's the way I'm gonna look... because... family is never ever gonna turn its back on me despite what I do or say.... When the time comes to say goodbye and part... will I be able to do that without anyone else in my life??? Without anything... without a pillar or without a hand to hold me...That's scaring me more and more as the days go by.... And the love of my life... seems to be very certain bout certain things in her life... and so its just me being unsure... and me fighting this battle all alone....Just me and the rest of the world.... Where is my army... Where is my general? Am i totally cornered???