Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Once again... A new beginning....

Here I am.... In a new country... A new city... You know all the while I keep going on and on at destiny and fate.... The gods do have their own cute little way of putting things back into place and into the right perspective.....

I remember just about two weeks back - the frame of mind I was in... Was totally different and absurdly narrow... I had focussed down to a little dot from the galaxy of space available... I keep doing that... And that's when my actions all move away from the person I am... and the person I wanna be.... And i land up hurting myself... Coz that's the only way or area i get hurt.... My sensitive region...My Achilles heel!!

But now... Things are changing... My schedule does not give me the time to reflect on the past... And only prods me on to reflecting on the future... and think about what lies ahead.... This is God's own lil way of setting me right... Or so I hope... I hardly have time to sleep... But still atleast I wanna sleep... A while ago... I couldn't get myself to sleep...

And now I have to rethink the things I'm gonna be doing over the next few years! Do I want to go back to india? Do i want to stay here? Or do I want to go to some other country.... And what do I want to do with myself.... I guess as time goes over these 16 months... I am sure to be able to answer most of these questions....

And once again.... I go back into the shell of a person I am... and wait for my internal maintenance and repair to take place... and bring me back to the person I am... And hopefully... I won't go back to being the stupid foolish guy I've been......

Till then... To life... and to my new life...... Cheers.....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Desperate Hours

An astrologer who read my stars once told me that I fell into the same 'Natchatram' (Star sign) as Lord Rama. Lord Rama suffered a lot during his prior years. He was sent into exile for 13 long years by his wicked cousins. He was in the forests with his wife Sita. She was kidnapped by the Demon Ravana who fell in love with her beauty. Basically... he faced difficulty after difficulty before things finally fell in place for him... And so this astrologer tells me that I would face the most troubling of times... where things would never seem to go right... I would face the toughest of challenges..... times when I felt that there was nothing more I could do... and things were just squeezing my very existence... when my moments were no more.... and that when i were to finally jump into the well out of desperation... things would begin to turn my tide......

Through the toughest of my times... whenever i felt low... i would think i've reached the lowest of lows... and that there was no way things could ever become worse.... and that things would only go on to be the better... but then... i would be proved wrong... with something worse happening... and things just beginning to hound me more and more..... the most difficult thing to do in life is to be in love... and to live in denial... to live for others... and forget to live for yourself....

I just wish that these clouds would clear... and show me where i am meant to be....and when this endless trenches of lows would clear to take me up to where I believe I belong... All the time i keep wishing for better and better... only to seem to be moving further away from it....

But believe me.... over all these trenches... it sure has pushed me to become a better person.... I sure hope it does... atleast it's made me stronger....a different person... i'm becoming emotionally stronger... facing more and more things i wish I never did wanna see... and never face.....

All my life... I've lived to make those around me feel worthy of knowing me... and doing everything i could to make the ones around me... the ones i love... my friends.... be happy... just plain happiness...with all that I had in my power... hoping ppl would be around when i needed them the most.... but then i lose... always do....

And yes... the romantic in me... never say die... never say over to love.... that's something i've never been able to do... Always believe that true love... will overcome anything and everything in it's way! And have never been able to give up!! But now... I wonder if this whole concept of love... is just a humbug! Created by Archies and Hallmark to enable them to do their business! I sure do hope that it aint true... coz my heart tells me it's out there... my head tells me otherwise...

I just need to move on... Walk on... and become the person I know I am destined to be... With or without true love.... Life.... to take on...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Lady Destiny Teasing... Or Human Mind Reeling...

There are times when I'm totally down that I look for signs... Signs that tell me that things are going to be better... or that I'm doing the right thing... Or I shouldn't be doing something... These things may appear in the vaguest of forms right from a bell ringing somewhere or some good news coming from the most unexpected of quarters... Or some vague reference of me coming from whom I want it to come....

What are these things? Is it just the human mind playing mind games and interpreting these actions to suit the situation or what we want to believe? Or is there something more to it and is it destiny's way of telling us to pick up out knapsack and go on with what we were doing and not give up?

I'd like to think the latter as these are things that give me the strength to go on in desperate situations... Times when there's nothing that looks good and I feel that all I do or think is going in vain and the only thing that seems to be improving is the number of gray hair on my head... (Yes, I do have a few... but you have to look intently to find them). So when I feel that its pointless to go on and all I've done is in vain, when something small happens, it spurs me to go on for two reasons:

  1. I'm pretty sure that's what I want and so the lightest nudge can set me back on course.
  2. I feel its a sign that I should go on and give this fight everything I have right to the last bit of energy and effort... and last black hair on my head... Come on we have very healthy dies available in the market today!
And hence the race to the finish continues... The finish that ushers in a new life... A life I've been patiently waiting for... Praying for... Day in and out... Thinking of... Trying to will to happen... The life at the end of the horizon!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Change - The only Constant

Hiya... Its been a while since I got anything up here.... After logging back in here, I went through all my posts and the dates and I found a trend - Most of my posts have been after some major change in my life. This has led me to conclude that blogging is something I do to manage the inertia that comes with any change....

Which naturally brings you to the question - What now? Yes, life is changing - I am getting braced for the next phase of my life.... one that I have been wanting to do all my life - My Management Degree. That's been on my agenda all my life and its finally here. I have an admit to the Asian Institute of Management in Manila, Philippines and I will be accepting the admit. So, that would effectively mean that I leave India in August. This is the change that I am getting my mind to accept but it means more to me than just moving out of the country.

It means me leaving the country and my future would be left into the hands of destiny. All my life, I tried to keep the things that matter most to me well planned and take hold of those things from the hands of destiny. But here I am leaving everything into the hands of fate and putting my faith into divine custody. It disturbs me to a large extent that I have to say goodbye to the very reason I make the change I need in my life. Things have started moving and I hold on to the railings I imagine around me to not sway with the motion. And when it becomes surprisingly turbulent and I don't find what I am looking for, I lose my balance and feel all alone. Those are the times I tend to wish I had the life I wanted without this struggle.

But again, I am constantly reminded that if we were to get what we want the most on a silver platter, then it would lose its sheen. And again, if everything were to go the way I want after this very turbulent journey, I would always remember the journey and would be glad I hung on strong and faced the worst as everything can only get better......