Change - The only Constant

Hiya... Its been a while since I got anything up here.... After logging back in here, I went through all my posts and the dates and I found a trend - Most of my posts have been after some major change in my life. This has led me to conclude that blogging is something I do to manage the inertia that comes with any change....

Which naturally brings you to the question - What now? Yes, life is changing - I am getting braced for the next phase of my life.... one that I have been wanting to do all my life - My Management Degree. That's been on my agenda all my life and its finally here. I have an admit to the Asian Institute of Management in Manila, Philippines and I will be accepting the admit. So, that would effectively mean that I leave India in August. This is the change that I am getting my mind to accept but it means more to me than just moving out of the country.

It means me leaving the country and my future would be left into the hands of destiny. All my life, I tried to keep the things that matter most to me well planned and take hold of those things from the hands of destiny. But here I am leaving everything into the hands of fate and putting my faith into divine custody. It disturbs me to a large extent that I have to say goodbye to the very reason I make the change I need in my life. Things have started moving and I hold on to the railings I imagine around me to not sway with the motion. And when it becomes surprisingly turbulent and I don't find what I am looking for, I lose my balance and feel all alone. Those are the times I tend to wish I had the life I wanted without this struggle.

But again, I am constantly reminded that if we were to get what we want the most on a silver platter, then it would lose its sheen. And again, if everything were to go the way I want after this very turbulent journey, I would always remember the journey and would be glad I hung on strong and faced the worst as everything can only get better......

Too much of anything bitter???

You know the sensation on our tongue when we've had too many sweets or too many chocolates. Gives you the feeling that you don't want to put even a lil more of that into your mouth. Gets bitter? Similarly many other things.... When you do too much of work, too much of travelling, too much of talking, too much of walking, too much sleeping, or too much of anything... We always land up saying that we're sick and tired of doing that thing....

So here comes my question.....

"Does too much of love turn bitter"? When someone loves you over the moon! And takes care of you to his or her last breath, does love get bitter and do you lose interest? Question to be pondered upon.... Aren't there many of us out there who would just be praying that we have someone to love us and care for us all the time?

When you begin to notice... rather than just look

You know there's this sudden phase in your life... When you feel so uncomfortable and uneasy.... Not knowing what exactly is wrong.... But you do know that there is something wrong.... This phase in which your mobile never rings!

Yes, over the past few days, my mobile hardly ever rings or beeps or does anything at all... And there are certain times when I do feel awkward... Keep taking my phone to check if anyone has messaged me or has tried to call me and I haven't picked up... Stuff like that.... But much later... as I actually walk around the place... I find that there are so many things I want to think off... there are so many thoughts that need clarity... and so many things that come to your attention... Right from the time I walk out of my house in the morning... I tend to look at things with more detail. I see that the area I live in is a nice area... there seem to be a lot of nice people around, I see that Chennai has got a lot of new buses and is started to look brighter... The roads have changed drastically over the past few years and the drive on OMR actually feels so "Non-Chennai".

At work, I begin to notice that there are a lot of nice people around me and that when I leave, I will miss this place. All the things that I have taken for granted, now has so much more meaning to me! I relish all the moments I spent here... For however many different organizations I may work in as part of my career, Infosys will always be my first company... my first job... my first set of "work-friends". And, for sure I have had one hell of a journey from the first day I joined for work with Infy.

June 19th 2006 : The day it all began. My folks dropped me at Infosys Mysore. I was so over-whelmed with the mere size and look of the campus. I felt like I was in a different country - what with the perfect landscaping, roads and other facilities. I hardly knew anyone for the first week or so.... Just a few people from college, who I was never close to earlier... But now that I didn't know anyone, was moving with them.... But as my training began, within the first one week, I realised I had found an amazing set of friends and I would never be lonely in this campus... The campus was so beautiful, especially in those evening times. It would look so romantic, and I would wish I had a girlfriend with me at that place. It sure would have been the best thing! But then, being without one sure does have its advantages too! :) And as days went by, I realised that I loved the place and it was so much fun, despite the hectic schedules... We had to study for hours and had exams every other day. It became so much a part of life and we were always on our feet... But we found all the time we needed to have our fun.. I liked the place so much that I decided to stay on in Mysore. And so I was posted in Mysore.

The house hunt at Mysore: Not exactly a mouse hunt... but it sure was a comic story of sorts. I decided to stay with another two of my friends from my training batch in a house. We began hunting for houses. Wherever we went, we carried this tag of being an Infoscion - which to us meant pride, but to the locals meant "rich". So basically there was an immediate 50% hike in the rate of anything if we didn't know the local language, or even worse if we had our Infy ID card clipped on! But despite all this, we found the place to me cheaper than Chennai as Mysore isn't all that big a place. We found a wonderful 3 bedroom appartment, which must have been among the poshest that Mysore could offer. I loved the place the moment I saw it. The owner was ok with us being "bachelors". Do they expect us to get married just to find a house!! :) Marriage isn't that simple is it? Anyways, we had to find a place before the end of that day, as it was our last day that we had accomodation on campus. So we paid this guy the advance and packed our bags. Sometime around 6 in the evening, we take our bags and go over to the appartment complex. As we move our luggage(we had a lot of it) upstairs, we see the secretary of the building and other "association" members stand in front of our appartment refusing to let us get into the appartment! It seems they have some rule in that building stating that bachelors would not be allowed! Well here it begins again.... The marriage game! For Christ's sake... weren't these people unmarried at any time... Or were they born married to someone! We tried doing out bit at negotiating but nothing worked. These people even refused to let us stay there for a night. We finally convinced them to take care of our luggage. So we were stranded without a place to stay.... Walking around trying to figure out what to do! The next day we spoke to this owner and he threw a fit saying he would take the association to court and stuff like that... All we wanted was a place to stay.... And then he tells us that we could stay in another 2 bedroom appartment of his for a few days till he sorts out this problem he had.... So we move to another appartment.... This was much cheaper... was a new appartment... We liked this a lot too... More so as it was more economical... We spent little short of one month in this appartment before the people in the building always seemed to have a problem with everything we did... Right into the amount of water we were using for a bath! So we searched for other places and finally found an independent house with 3 bedrooms that was far cheaper than this place..... We moved... and that was where we stayed henceforth... The things we did at this place... All the noise we made disturbed no one... The late nights on our own terrace.... The small home-made parties.... Was one hell of an amazing life... Add to that, the fact that I was on bench( for not IT people: without a project - jobless with pay), and this was a honeymoon period of my life... Was getting paid good money, without doing any real work! I watched so many movies, went to so many restaurants... and basically had a ball of a time!

Back to Chennai: By this time, my life had changed in many ways....For reasons very important to me, I had to get back to Chennai. It brought back memories from the past... and drove me towards my future... This city would always be home to me... Would always welcome me and keep me smiling.... The first few weeks after I returned, I found things very difficult. For one, I was put into a project right at the beginning.... Moreover I had to stay late hours at office... It was like a total shift for me.... Apart from that the climate was getting to me... It was boiling upwards of 30 degrees on the mercury and I found it difficult stepping outdoors even for a few minutes. Apart from these differences, I found that my circle of friends had shrunk drastically.... All the people I once knew were in different parts of the world or busy with their lives.... At this point, I came to understand what many of my older friends had told me. Once you begin to work, your circle closes in... and then you choose to spend the free time you have wisely with the people whose company you enjoy the most... And hence the circle closes in and at times you feel like you're really getting older and older.. It becomes more difficult to meet new people and make new friends... And so you got to hold on to your existing friends!! Damn... life for sure is one viscious circle!

Today: I'm back in Chennai..... feeling pretty lonely... Lots of things happening in life that I don't understand... Its like a repeat of things I dint wanna ever be a part of again... And it makes me think of what I'm doing with my life and my decisions. Am I just being stupid and stuck somewhere in a dream? When will i get down. But as I keep moving away/towards the truth, I begin to notice a lot more of the things around me. Everything has an essence and all the happenings around become highlighted. Is this an indication of reality hitting me? That I don't know.... Will have to wait and watch how things go over the next few months or possibly over the next few years.... But trust for sure is getting wiped out... going with the wind... and a few silly actions that I can only blame on immaturity. And I forgive... Is it because I am weak... or is it because I am caring and loving? Whatever the answer is, it makes me look bad... And all this while I never did care coz I thought all the lil things I did would be noticed and I would be cared and loved for. Now, I'm having second thoughts. And I did not bring it on..... Wonder where this road's gonna leave me over the next few months. I just hope I do the right thing....

Cornered.....

You know there's this phase of your life when all the things that matter most to you come crashing onto you at the same time.....And you don't know how to handle things...Even if you know how to handle... you really don't know what you're supposed to be looking at first!! When things come hitting you really hard.... and at the most crucial phase of your life....

Maybe I look at things differently... but however I try to look at it in any other way... I am not able to really comprehend the situation... Is it so difficult to give up a few things in life for the person you love?? Always gonna be a question mark.... I've always known what are the important things in life... and have been able to put aside a few things to go on with the more important things... But when you don't see that happening around you... I guess you just feel that the fire has died down... That fire that came out of understanding a world without the person you care for from inside... That fire that would take you into a different realm... When that dies down... Ppl think that they are invincible and take a lot of things for granted... But what to do... I don't seem to know how to handle any of this.... It hurts and pains to see the way things are happening in front of my life... but then like I always believe its taken two hands to clap... And i don't see a probable and possible life without the person I love... And for sure, life has become a lot simpler and easier when the person you love is around you.... But at what cost... Being humiliated??? In a very subtle way off course... but humiliation is humiliation....

And apart from this so many other things hitting onto me really hard.... My future... Where I'm gonna be a few years down the line... how i'm gonna be able to support my family without my father or family's help... Always wanted to be someone independently and not just fall back to what has landed upon me.. That could just be a cushion or a pillow... But its us who have gotta find a life for ourself... But when all of these different things come and hit you at the same time... you're handicapped... and feel like leaving everything and just lying down without any hope or belief in anything.....

And at this stage when you feel the support you had was falling... And you try to look around for a life that can make you feel like you mean something in it... Maybe its life's way of telling me to do something... Just wish I'd know what it was that I'm supposed to be doing... Coz i really don't understand now... I'm clear with what I want... But am not sure of how to get there.... And desperation is leading me to give up on certain core values I believe in... I guess I have to start planning the way I survive or live through this... Its time I start being selfish and think of myself... Just don't know whether I can survive this holocaust or am I being deceived... And whether this is what I want for myself..... I need help... need my friends... need to be understood .... Don't know if i wanna just run away from everything... And i have never been able to issue an ultimatum... I see hope for myself only with my family.... I think that's the way I'm gonna look... because... family is never ever gonna turn its back on me despite what I do or say.... When the time comes to say goodbye and part... will I be able to do that without anyone else in my life??? Without anything... without a pillar or without a hand to hold me...That's scaring me more and more as the days go by.... And the love of my life... seems to be very certain bout certain things in her life... and so its just me being unsure... and me fighting this battle all alone....Just me and the rest of the world.... Where is my army... Where is my general? Am i totally cornered???

A diary re-opened: Times of need

You know how it is to open a diary which you left hidden in the deepest of closets thinking you never need it again....

Why never need it again?? Because you felt that a person was there to share everything and nothing ever be private and emotions and trust ruled over the intimacy in your lives. Why let out all feelings and happenings outside of this bond... And so this diary - my blog remained closed over the past months.

Its open again.... And why? There are many questions and even more probable answers. But in the end, the story ends with trust....

What exactly is love and trust? Love has this peculiar ability to lock all other feelings and emotions somewhere far away and blind you to the different colours around... It shows you what it wants you to see, it makes you feel what it wants you to feel... and basically builds a fantasy world around you.... But is this just love.... Maybe love goes beyond.... What happens when over a period of time, the person you look into is not just the bright colours and you begin to look beyond.... This is where trust comes into the picture.... Love exists wrapped around trust and they go on together to take one far away into new horizons....That's how we see couples married together for years and still so much into each other...

But what happens when trust is shattered... And hell breaks loose... Emotions cloud judgement... Decisions seemingly rational at that time look lame at another point.... And then the skies begin to come down.... To thrust upon us an agony and pain that can never be felt other-wise. No cures, no way out.... Just locked into the pain... the realisation that this could be an endless tunnel and there will never be any light.....

Words flowing without a slight thought.... Double-edged swords... Not leaving the smallest of space to hold on to one's breath.... Anger does off course bring out the worst of one's vocabulary and one's mind... But when things are said that are far into questioning one's honesty and one's faithfulness.... Is this a way of trying not to feel guilty... finding flaws in the other person.... just to close your eyes to the mistakes we commit....

Judgement clouded, mind forcefully pushing those droplets out of vision.... thus blinding every sensory perception.... Availabilty making the core of the relationship.... the further you are the closer you are... When you are exclusive... things go to the border of being taken for granted... and the respect you need no longer is available...

Forgiveness is misunderstood for weakness and tears are misunderstood for lack of sexuality... What is the world coming to? Is true romance dead? Is true love a misconception? Is there no hope for sacrifice in this world anymore.....

A bouquet of red roses - Does it actually mean anything to the girls of today?
Going out of the way to help - Is that what is expected in a relationship? How about some appreciation?
Making a sacrifice - Does that mean the person's supposed to do all of that to show he/she's in love?

Where did the days of just forgiving, forgetting, kissing and making up go? When did the age of punishment in relationships start? When did making a small mistake go all the way to the point of bringing in fear and insecurity into a relationship....

Flaws which normally hidden by smiles and love.... shine bright in times of trouble... And how things are managed then make for a good foundation in a relationship.... bailing out every time there's a problem isn't the only solution.... Where did understanding go? Where did care, sympathy go?

All over and over... thoughts flow through my head... and my etchings could decorate the Great Wall of China.... but i'm gonna take a break now.... Need to do something to cleanse my thoughts.... Probably gonna knock a few years of my age...Try to change into someone I am not!!
Well people who know me well are gonna be saying, he always says this, but never does change... And i stand by that... I will not change... thought i am going to make an effort.... I cannot be this person who doesn't make sacrifices in the name of love... who tries to do things to make every moment special.... Now, if prayers are to be answered and if things are gonna work.... I will look up and smile.... waiting to see what god has in store for me....