Ever been through dat phase of ure life where you don't know wat's gonna happen and wat lies ahead.... I repeatedly seem to be passing through this phase... And as I grow older I have realised that its left to me to be able to handle it... I am seemingly more and more alone when I think. When I first finished school and I had to get into a good college, off course I was nervous and tensed... but more because I wanted to live up to my parents expectations and stuff like dat.... I just worked and let my parents worry for me..... I did get into a good college... Then I was again in this phase when I was finishing college...Worrying about what to do next... and this time it was more on my shoulders... My parents were there for support, but deep down inside me I knew that it had to be my decision and I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life......It was difficult... i was not used to handling all that pressure.... But then I got through and today I am working for a very good company.... though i really don't know if I'm enjoying my job today.... (Will get down to that in some other post probably)...
Today i am again worried about where things are going... Have again come to another cross-road... Don't know which direction I have to take. So much pressure and this time I feel like I'm all alone... There are so many things that I cannot speak to them about at this moment...
I don't know what is gonna happen few years down the line... Where am I gonna be.... I have to study further... That i know for sure...But I've always been responsible only for myself....Now, I also am responsible for this person whose so special and means so much to me in my life!! Its up to me to be courageous for the two of us... We both know how we want life to be for us and we're sure we want to be together... but its upto me now to handle things the way it should be... think ten times before taking a small step... and step by step... gotta reach where we want to be...Want the rest of our lives to be perfect for us... So this is going to take a lot of thinking and planning... This time its mostly that I'm alone thinking and working things out... Off course she's there with me to support me and prod me on.... but have always thought of her as my lil kid.... Don't want to put too much pressure on her... she wouldn't be able to take it.... And in the midst of all this get so many things running in my head and sometimes I begin to think that life isn't being fair to me.... I know i'm being selfish and stupid thinking like that... For instance... Life showed me the path to her... and that is something that has made everything so perfect for me... Opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of loving and caring.... I just want everything to be perfect for us...
I just hope that everything goes on for the best and I'm able to convince everyone around me... atleast the people who need to be convinced; that this is how life should be and this is how I want to live my life... And if they really do want me to be happy, then this is what they need to do for me! Back at the cross-roads.... Too many directions and too few choices.....
But despite all the braveness I try to portray... Something in me has cracked and the strong wall I built around me sometime back is trying to fall.... Need help rebuilding it... Just want to be strong so badly and I always land up breaking up.... Not used to all this pressure.... I have to study also... Coz where I am now is not enough... I have to be in a position to be able to be well placed in life.... To give my family all that we need... Should not have to depend on my parents for all of this....
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