You know there's this phase of your life when all the things that matter most to you come crashing onto you at the same time.....And you don't know how to handle things...Even if you know how to handle... you really don't know what you're supposed to be looking at first!! When things come hitting you really hard.... and at the most crucial phase of your life....
Maybe I look at things differently... but however I try to look at it in any other way... I am not able to really comprehend the situation... Is it so difficult to give up a few things in life for the person you love?? Always gonna be a question mark.... I've always known what are the important things in life... and have been able to put aside a few things to go on with the more important things... But when you don't see that happening around you... I guess you just feel that the fire has died down... That fire that came out of understanding a world without the person you care for from inside... That fire that would take you into a different realm... When that dies down... Ppl think that they are invincible and take a lot of things for granted... But what to do... I don't seem to know how to handle any of this.... It hurts and pains to see the way things are happening in front of my life... but then like I always believe its taken two hands to clap... And i don't see a probable and possible life without the person I love... And for sure, life has become a lot simpler and easier when the person you love is around you.... But at what cost... Being humiliated??? In a very subtle way off course... but humiliation is humiliation....
And apart from this so many other things hitting onto me really hard.... My future... Where I'm gonna be a few years down the line... how i'm gonna be able to support my family without my father or family's help... Always wanted to be someone independently and not just fall back to what has landed upon me.. That could just be a cushion or a pillow... But its us who have gotta find a life for ourself... But when all of these different things come and hit you at the same time... you're handicapped... and feel like leaving everything and just lying down without any hope or belief in anything.....
And at this stage when you feel the support you had was falling... And you try to look around for a life that can make you feel like you mean something in it... Maybe its life's way of telling me to do something... Just wish I'd know what it was that I'm supposed to be doing... Coz i really don't understand now... I'm clear with what I want... But am not sure of how to get there.... And desperation is leading me to give up on certain core values I believe in... I guess I have to start planning the way I survive or live through this... Its time I start being selfish and think of myself... Just don't know whether I can survive this holocaust or am I being deceived... And whether this is what I want for myself..... I need help... need my friends... need to be understood .... Don't know if i wanna just run away from everything... And i have never been able to issue an ultimatum... I see hope for myself only with my family.... I think that's the way I'm gonna look... because... family is never ever gonna turn its back on me despite what I do or say.... When the time comes to say goodbye and part... will I be able to do that without anyone else in my life??? Without anything... without a pillar or without a hand to hold me...That's scaring me more and more as the days go by.... And the love of my life... seems to be very certain bout certain things in her life... and so its just me being unsure... and me fighting this battle all alone....Just me and the rest of the world.... Where is my army... Where is my general? Am i totally cornered???
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
A diary re-opened: Times of need
You know how it is to open a diary which you left hidden in the deepest of closets thinking you never need it again....
Why never need it again?? Because you felt that a person was there to share everything and nothing ever be private and emotions and trust ruled over the intimacy in your lives. Why let out all feelings and happenings outside of this bond... And so this diary - my blog remained closed over the past months.
Its open again.... And why? There are many questions and even more probable answers. But in the end, the story ends with trust....
What exactly is love and trust? Love has this peculiar ability to lock all other feelings and emotions somewhere far away and blind you to the different colours around... It shows you what it wants you to see, it makes you feel what it wants you to feel... and basically builds a fantasy world around you.... But is this just love.... Maybe love goes beyond.... What happens when over a period of time, the person you look into is not just the bright colours and you begin to look beyond.... This is where trust comes into the picture.... Love exists wrapped around trust and they go on together to take one far away into new horizons....That's how we see couples married together for years and still so much into each other...
But what happens when trust is shattered... And hell breaks loose... Emotions cloud judgement... Decisions seemingly rational at that time look lame at another point.... And then the skies begin to come down.... To thrust upon us an agony and pain that can never be felt other-wise. No cures, no way out.... Just locked into the pain... the realisation that this could be an endless tunnel and there will never be any light.....
Words flowing without a slight thought.... Double-edged swords... Not leaving the smallest of space to hold on to one's breath.... Anger does off course bring out the worst of one's vocabulary and one's mind... But when things are said that are far into questioning one's honesty and one's faithfulness.... Is this a way of trying not to feel guilty... finding flaws in the other person.... just to close your eyes to the mistakes we commit....
Judgement clouded, mind forcefully pushing those droplets out of vision.... thus blinding every sensory perception.... Availabilty making the core of the relationship.... the further you are the closer you are... When you are exclusive... things go to the border of being taken for granted... and the respect you need no longer is available...
Forgiveness is misunderstood for weakness and tears are misunderstood for lack of sexuality... What is the world coming to? Is true romance dead? Is true love a misconception? Is there no hope for sacrifice in this world anymore.....
A bouquet of red roses - Does it actually mean anything to the girls of today?
Going out of the way to help - Is that what is expected in a relationship? How about some appreciation?
Making a sacrifice - Does that mean the person's supposed to do all of that to show he/she's in love?
Where did the days of just forgiving, forgetting, kissing and making up go? When did the age of punishment in relationships start? When did making a small mistake go all the way to the point of bringing in fear and insecurity into a relationship....
Flaws which normally hidden by smiles and love.... shine bright in times of trouble... And how things are managed then make for a good foundation in a relationship.... bailing out every time there's a problem isn't the only solution.... Where did understanding go? Where did care, sympathy go?
All over and over... thoughts flow through my head... and my etchings could decorate the Great Wall of China.... but i'm gonna take a break now.... Need to do something to cleanse my thoughts.... Probably gonna knock a few years of my age...Try to change into someone I am not!!
Well people who know me well are gonna be saying, he always says this, but never does change... And i stand by that... I will not change... thought i am going to make an effort.... I cannot be this person who doesn't make sacrifices in the name of love... who tries to do things to make every moment special.... Now, if prayers are to be answered and if things are gonna work.... I will look up and smile.... waiting to see what god has in store for me....
Why never need it again?? Because you felt that a person was there to share everything and nothing ever be private and emotions and trust ruled over the intimacy in your lives. Why let out all feelings and happenings outside of this bond... And so this diary - my blog remained closed over the past months.
Its open again.... And why? There are many questions and even more probable answers. But in the end, the story ends with trust....
What exactly is love and trust? Love has this peculiar ability to lock all other feelings and emotions somewhere far away and blind you to the different colours around... It shows you what it wants you to see, it makes you feel what it wants you to feel... and basically builds a fantasy world around you.... But is this just love.... Maybe love goes beyond.... What happens when over a period of time, the person you look into is not just the bright colours and you begin to look beyond.... This is where trust comes into the picture.... Love exists wrapped around trust and they go on together to take one far away into new horizons....That's how we see couples married together for years and still so much into each other...
But what happens when trust is shattered... And hell breaks loose... Emotions cloud judgement... Decisions seemingly rational at that time look lame at another point.... And then the skies begin to come down.... To thrust upon us an agony and pain that can never be felt other-wise. No cures, no way out.... Just locked into the pain... the realisation that this could be an endless tunnel and there will never be any light.....
Words flowing without a slight thought.... Double-edged swords... Not leaving the smallest of space to hold on to one's breath.... Anger does off course bring out the worst of one's vocabulary and one's mind... But when things are said that are far into questioning one's honesty and one's faithfulness.... Is this a way of trying not to feel guilty... finding flaws in the other person.... just to close your eyes to the mistakes we commit....
Judgement clouded, mind forcefully pushing those droplets out of vision.... thus blinding every sensory perception.... Availabilty making the core of the relationship.... the further you are the closer you are... When you are exclusive... things go to the border of being taken for granted... and the respect you need no longer is available...
Forgiveness is misunderstood for weakness and tears are misunderstood for lack of sexuality... What is the world coming to? Is true romance dead? Is true love a misconception? Is there no hope for sacrifice in this world anymore.....
A bouquet of red roses - Does it actually mean anything to the girls of today?
Going out of the way to help - Is that what is expected in a relationship? How about some appreciation?
Making a sacrifice - Does that mean the person's supposed to do all of that to show he/she's in love?
Where did the days of just forgiving, forgetting, kissing and making up go? When did the age of punishment in relationships start? When did making a small mistake go all the way to the point of bringing in fear and insecurity into a relationship....
Flaws which normally hidden by smiles and love.... shine bright in times of trouble... And how things are managed then make for a good foundation in a relationship.... bailing out every time there's a problem isn't the only solution.... Where did understanding go? Where did care, sympathy go?
All over and over... thoughts flow through my head... and my etchings could decorate the Great Wall of China.... but i'm gonna take a break now.... Need to do something to cleanse my thoughts.... Probably gonna knock a few years of my age...Try to change into someone I am not!!
Well people who know me well are gonna be saying, he always says this, but never does change... And i stand by that... I will not change... thought i am going to make an effort.... I cannot be this person who doesn't make sacrifices in the name of love... who tries to do things to make every moment special.... Now, if prayers are to be answered and if things are gonna work.... I will look up and smile.... waiting to see what god has in store for me....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A new Chapter.... A new beginning
Its been ages since I got down to filling anything here... But now I feel I have to describe my life as it has changed drastically.
Mysore - A life totally unparalleled by any other phase of my life! Being left with all the time in the world, giving my mind space to think about anything and everything. Movies, Games, TV, eating out, etc etc... that's all I ever did in Mysore... I was getting a salary, but didn't really have anything big to do to justify all of that. Almost a year of sitting idle doing nothing but enjoying my life. But one fine day, I decide to get back to Chennai, get back for the sake of love, for the sake of getting back with old friends, for the sake of a new life.
Chennai - I get here to be assigned a project right from the day I arrive. Within a week I was working about 10 hours a day. I hardly had the time for any of the stuff I was so used to. And in another week, I was working 12 hours a day. Off course, atleast the project I got into wasn't the kind of stuff I detested, but rather more to do with being able to communicate with people and co-ordinate with people. So that calls for some consolation. But the person I got here for has been so busy that we actually hardly get time to be with each other or speak to each other. But despite the busy lives we have, I feel we have got to be so much closer and our relationship has gone to a totally new level.
One decision - And life can change beyond imagination. Who would think, I, of all people would sit in office for 12 hours a day! I find it difficult to believe, but yes its true. And the best part is, its not as bad as I thought it would be. Off course I found it difficult in the beginning - the heat, the working hours, getting up early in the morning, getting back late, not being able to watch at least a movie a day and so many other things! But now its fine, I have something to keep my mind occupied and it isn't running wild with crazy ideas. I am more confident of who I am. I am trying to be a role model for the people around me. Holding on to a few of my emotions which other wise weren't really helping me!
Change - Takes time to set in... but for sure is inevitable. I'm hoping sooner than later, I get to be able to take the next big step in my life. I know what I want and I'm hoping it happens pretty soon. I just realised I'm all ready to take the big step.
Mysore - A life totally unparalleled by any other phase of my life! Being left with all the time in the world, giving my mind space to think about anything and everything. Movies, Games, TV, eating out, etc etc... that's all I ever did in Mysore... I was getting a salary, but didn't really have anything big to do to justify all of that. Almost a year of sitting idle doing nothing but enjoying my life. But one fine day, I decide to get back to Chennai, get back for the sake of love, for the sake of getting back with old friends, for the sake of a new life.
Chennai - I get here to be assigned a project right from the day I arrive. Within a week I was working about 10 hours a day. I hardly had the time for any of the stuff I was so used to. And in another week, I was working 12 hours a day. Off course, atleast the project I got into wasn't the kind of stuff I detested, but rather more to do with being able to communicate with people and co-ordinate with people. So that calls for some consolation. But the person I got here for has been so busy that we actually hardly get time to be with each other or speak to each other. But despite the busy lives we have, I feel we have got to be so much closer and our relationship has gone to a totally new level.
One decision - And life can change beyond imagination. Who would think, I, of all people would sit in office for 12 hours a day! I find it difficult to believe, but yes its true. And the best part is, its not as bad as I thought it would be. Off course I found it difficult in the beginning - the heat, the working hours, getting up early in the morning, getting back late, not being able to watch at least a movie a day and so many other things! But now its fine, I have something to keep my mind occupied and it isn't running wild with crazy ideas. I am more confident of who I am. I am trying to be a role model for the people around me. Holding on to a few of my emotions which other wise weren't really helping me!
Change - Takes time to set in... but for sure is inevitable. I'm hoping sooner than later, I get to be able to take the next big step in my life. I know what I want and I'm hoping it happens pretty soon. I just realised I'm all ready to take the big step.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Where are you, my angel?
How very hurting can life get? When all the things you stood strong for… you believed in… and loved… came crashing on you from all sides… When all the pillars and supporting material caved in… When you just had to hold on to only yourself… when the little bit of happiness you found and tried to give just came back hitting you hard realizing that you are just a mere mortal… a mere human being… When you sacrifice just for love… When you are willing to do all to keep the flame burning… even with the wind and the rain just fighting with each other to take your flame away… And they leave you alone only when they realize that they’re going to have to take you first before they can go anywhere near the light your flame shines….
Dejection can just be an understatement and life can just be so different from what you try to understand of it. Where tears no more mean anything… and when feelings don’t help in getting you where you want. Helplessness just feeding more pain into the open wounds… when you feel that there is nothing that you want more, than to just live… To just be given a way to live… just a way to breathe… just a way to try to understand… just someone to believe in…. to have faith in something… to be able to see beyond the small trees… to be able to fly with the birds… to be able to fall asleep on the clouds….
I know there’s someone up there listening to me as I plead… or do I convince myself there is someone…. I know there’s something in this life for me… but can’t it just be what I want and can’t it just be made into something simpler…. How can words come out to mean something? How can words ever be enough to make someone understand the things you want and the things you feel? What can be given and what can be said… Someone has got to help out here… If there’s my angel listening somewhere… Please show me the way… I don’t even need a hand…. I just need the light.
Dejection can just be an understatement and life can just be so different from what you try to understand of it. Where tears no more mean anything… and when feelings don’t help in getting you where you want. Helplessness just feeding more pain into the open wounds… when you feel that there is nothing that you want more, than to just live… To just be given a way to live… just a way to breathe… just a way to try to understand… just someone to believe in…. to have faith in something… to be able to see beyond the small trees… to be able to fly with the birds… to be able to fall asleep on the clouds….
I know there’s someone up there listening to me as I plead… or do I convince myself there is someone…. I know there’s something in this life for me… but can’t it just be what I want and can’t it just be made into something simpler…. How can words come out to mean something? How can words ever be enough to make someone understand the things you want and the things you feel? What can be given and what can be said… Someone has got to help out here… If there’s my angel listening somewhere… Please show me the way… I don’t even need a hand…. I just need the light.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Confused??
Ever been through dat phase of ure life where you don't know wat's gonna happen and wat lies ahead.... I repeatedly seem to be passing through this phase... And as I grow older I have realised that its left to me to be able to handle it... I am seemingly more and more alone when I think. When I first finished school and I had to get into a good college, off course I was nervous and tensed... but more because I wanted to live up to my parents expectations and stuff like dat.... I just worked and let my parents worry for me..... I did get into a good college... Then I was again in this phase when I was finishing college...Worrying about what to do next... and this time it was more on my shoulders... My parents were there for support, but deep down inside me I knew that it had to be my decision and I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life......It was difficult... i was not used to handling all that pressure.... But then I got through and today I am working for a very good company.... though i really don't know if I'm enjoying my job today.... (Will get down to that in some other post probably)...
Today i am again worried about where things are going... Have again come to another cross-road... Don't know which direction I have to take. So much pressure and this time I feel like I'm all alone... There are so many things that I cannot speak to them about at this moment...
I don't know what is gonna happen few years down the line... Where am I gonna be.... I have to study further... That i know for sure...But I've always been responsible only for myself....Now, I also am responsible for this person whose so special and means so much to me in my life!! Its up to me to be courageous for the two of us... We both know how we want life to be for us and we're sure we want to be together... but its upto me now to handle things the way it should be... think ten times before taking a small step... and step by step... gotta reach where we want to be...Want the rest of our lives to be perfect for us... So this is going to take a lot of thinking and planning... This time its mostly that I'm alone thinking and working things out... Off course she's there with me to support me and prod me on.... but have always thought of her as my lil kid.... Don't want to put too much pressure on her... she wouldn't be able to take it.... And in the midst of all this get so many things running in my head and sometimes I begin to think that life isn't being fair to me.... I know i'm being selfish and stupid thinking like that... For instance... Life showed me the path to her... and that is something that has made everything so perfect for me... Opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of loving and caring.... I just want everything to be perfect for us...
I just hope that everything goes on for the best and I'm able to convince everyone around me... atleast the people who need to be convinced; that this is how life should be and this is how I want to live my life... And if they really do want me to be happy, then this is what they need to do for me! Back at the cross-roads.... Too many directions and too few choices.....
But despite all the braveness I try to portray... Something in me has cracked and the strong wall I built around me sometime back is trying to fall.... Need help rebuilding it... Just want to be strong so badly and I always land up breaking up.... Not used to all this pressure.... I have to study also... Coz where I am now is not enough... I have to be in a position to be able to be well placed in life.... To give my family all that we need... Should not have to depend on my parents for all of this....
Today i am again worried about where things are going... Have again come to another cross-road... Don't know which direction I have to take. So much pressure and this time I feel like I'm all alone... There are so many things that I cannot speak to them about at this moment...
I don't know what is gonna happen few years down the line... Where am I gonna be.... I have to study further... That i know for sure...But I've always been responsible only for myself....Now, I also am responsible for this person whose so special and means so much to me in my life!! Its up to me to be courageous for the two of us... We both know how we want life to be for us and we're sure we want to be together... but its upto me now to handle things the way it should be... think ten times before taking a small step... and step by step... gotta reach where we want to be...Want the rest of our lives to be perfect for us... So this is going to take a lot of thinking and planning... This time its mostly that I'm alone thinking and working things out... Off course she's there with me to support me and prod me on.... but have always thought of her as my lil kid.... Don't want to put too much pressure on her... she wouldn't be able to take it.... And in the midst of all this get so many things running in my head and sometimes I begin to think that life isn't being fair to me.... I know i'm being selfish and stupid thinking like that... For instance... Life showed me the path to her... and that is something that has made everything so perfect for me... Opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of loving and caring.... I just want everything to be perfect for us...
I just hope that everything goes on for the best and I'm able to convince everyone around me... atleast the people who need to be convinced; that this is how life should be and this is how I want to live my life... And if they really do want me to be happy, then this is what they need to do for me! Back at the cross-roads.... Too many directions and too few choices.....
But despite all the braveness I try to portray... Something in me has cracked and the strong wall I built around me sometime back is trying to fall.... Need help rebuilding it... Just want to be strong so badly and I always land up breaking up.... Not used to all this pressure.... I have to study also... Coz where I am now is not enough... I have to be in a position to be able to be well placed in life.... To give my family all that we need... Should not have to depend on my parents for all of this....
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