Desperate Hours

An astrologer who read my stars once told me that I fell into the same 'Natchatram' (Star sign) as Lord Rama. Lord Rama suffered a lot during his prior years. He was sent into exile for 13 long years by his wicked cousins. He was in the forests with his wife Sita. She was kidnapped by the Demon Ravana who fell in love with her beauty. Basically... he faced difficulty after difficulty before things finally fell in place for him... And so this astrologer tells me that I would face the most troubling of times... where things would never seem to go right... I would face the toughest of challenges..... times when I felt that there was nothing more I could do... and things were just squeezing my very existence... when my moments were no more.... and that when i were to finally jump into the well out of desperation... things would begin to turn my tide......

Through the toughest of my times... whenever i felt low... i would think i've reached the lowest of lows... and that there was no way things could ever become worse.... and that things would only go on to be the better... but then... i would be proved wrong... with something worse happening... and things just beginning to hound me more and more..... the most difficult thing to do in life is to be in love... and to live in denial... to live for others... and forget to live for yourself....

I just wish that these clouds would clear... and show me where i am meant to be....and when this endless trenches of lows would clear to take me up to where I believe I belong... All the time i keep wishing for better and better... only to seem to be moving further away from it....

But believe me.... over all these trenches... it sure has pushed me to become a better person.... I sure hope it does... atleast it's made me stronger....a different person... i'm becoming emotionally stronger... facing more and more things i wish I never did wanna see... and never face.....

All my life... I've lived to make those around me feel worthy of knowing me... and doing everything i could to make the ones around me... the ones i love... my friends.... be happy... just plain happiness...with all that I had in my power... hoping ppl would be around when i needed them the most.... but then i lose... always do....

And yes... the romantic in me... never say die... never say over to love.... that's something i've never been able to do... Always believe that true love... will overcome anything and everything in it's way! And have never been able to give up!! But now... I wonder if this whole concept of love... is just a humbug! Created by Archies and Hallmark to enable them to do their business! I sure do hope that it aint true... coz my heart tells me it's out there... my head tells me otherwise...

I just need to move on... Walk on... and become the person I know I am destined to be... With or without true love.... Life.... to take on...

Lady Destiny Teasing... Or Human Mind Reeling...

There are times when I'm totally down that I look for signs... Signs that tell me that things are going to be better... or that I'm doing the right thing... Or I shouldn't be doing something... These things may appear in the vaguest of forms right from a bell ringing somewhere or some good news coming from the most unexpected of quarters... Or some vague reference of me coming from whom I want it to come....

What are these things? Is it just the human mind playing mind games and interpreting these actions to suit the situation or what we want to believe? Or is there something more to it and is it destiny's way of telling us to pick up out knapsack and go on with what we were doing and not give up?

I'd like to think the latter as these are things that give me the strength to go on in desperate situations... Times when there's nothing that looks good and I feel that all I do or think is going in vain and the only thing that seems to be improving is the number of gray hair on my head... (Yes, I do have a few... but you have to look intently to find them). So when I feel that its pointless to go on and all I've done is in vain, when something small happens, it spurs me to go on for two reasons:

1. I'm pretty sure that's what I want and so the lightest nudge can set me back on course.
2. I feel its a sign that I should go on and give this fight everything I have right to the last bit of energy and effort... and last black hair on my head... Come on we have very healthy dies available in the market today!

And hence the race to the finish continues... The finish that ushers in a new life... A life I've been patiently waiting for... Praying for... Day in and out... Thinking of... Trying to will to happen... The life at the end of the horizon!

Change - The only Constant

Hiya... Its been a while since I got anything up here.... After logging back in here, I went through all my posts and the dates and I found a trend - Most of my posts have been after some major change in my life. This has led me to conclude that blogging is something I do to manage the inertia that comes with any change....

Which naturally brings you to the question - What now? Yes, life is changing - I am getting braced for the next phase of my life.... one that I have been wanting to do all my life - My Management Degree. That's been on my agenda all my life and its finally here. I have an admit to the Asian Institute of Management in Manila, Philippines and I will be accepting the admit. So, that would effectively mean that I leave India in August. This is the change that I am getting my mind to accept but it means more to me than just moving out of the country.

It means me leaving the country and my future would be left into the hands of destiny. All my life, I tried to keep the things that matter most to me well planned and take hold of those things from the hands of destiny. But here I am leaving everything into the hands of fate and putting my faith into divine custody. It disturbs me to a large extent that I have to say goodbye to the very reason I make the change I need in my life. Things have started moving and I hold on to the railings I imagine around me to not sway with the motion. And when it becomes surprisingly turbulent and I don't find what I am looking for, I lose my balance and feel all alone. Those are the times I tend to wish I had the life I wanted without this struggle.

But again, I am constantly reminded that if we were to get what we want the most on a silver platter, then it would lose its sheen. And again, if everything were to go the way I want after this very turbulent journey, I would always remember the journey and would be glad I hung on strong and faced the worst as everything can only get better......

Too much of anything bitter???

You know the sensation on our tongue when we've had too many sweets or too many chocolates. Gives you the feeling that you don't want to put even a lil more of that into your mouth. Gets bitter? Similarly many other things.... When you do too much of work, too much of travelling, too much of talking, too much of walking, too much sleeping, or too much of anything... We always land up saying that we're sick and tired of doing that thing....

So here comes my question.....

"Does too much of love turn bitter"? When someone loves you over the moon! And takes care of you to his or her last breath, does love get bitter and do you lose interest? Question to be pondered upon.... Aren't there many of us out there who would just be praying that we have someone to love us and care for us all the time?

When you begin to notice... rather than just look

You know there's this sudden phase in your life... When you feel so uncomfortable and uneasy.... Not knowing what exactly is wrong.... But you do know that there is something wrong.... This phase in which your mobile never rings!

Yes, over the past few days, my mobile hardly ever rings or beeps or does anything at all... And there are certain times when I do feel awkward... Keep taking my phone to check if anyone has messaged me or has tried to call me and I haven't picked up... Stuff like that.... But much later... as I actually walk around the place... I find that there are so many things I want to think off... there are so many thoughts that need clarity... and so many things that come to your attention... Right from the time I walk out of my house in the morning... I tend to look at things with more detail. I see that the area I live in is a nice area... there seem to be a lot of nice people around, I see that Chennai has got a lot of new buses and is started to look brighter... The roads have changed drastically over the past few years and the drive on OMR actually feels so "Non-Chennai".

At work, I begin to notice that there are a lot of nice people around me and that when I leave, I will miss this place. All the things that I have taken for granted, now has so much more meaning to me! I relish all the moments I spent here... For however many different organizations I may work in as part of my career, Infosys will always be my first company... my first job... my first set of "work-friends". And, for sure I have had one hell of a journey from the first day I joined for work with Infy.

June 19th 2006 : The day it all began. My folks dropped me at Infosys Mysore. I was so over-whelmed with the mere size and look of the campus. I felt like I was in a different country - what with the perfect landscaping, roads and other facilities. I hardly knew anyone for the first week or so.... Just a few people from college, who I was never close to earlier... But now that I didn't know anyone, was moving with them.... But as my training began, within the first one week, I realised I had found an amazing set of friends and I would never be lonely in this campus... The campus was so beautiful, especially in those evening times. It would look so romantic, and I would wish I had a girlfriend with me at that place. It sure would have been the best thing! But then, being without one sure does have its advantages too! :) And as days went by, I realised that I loved the place and it was so much fun, despite the hectic schedules... We had to study for hours and had exams every other day. It became so much a part of life and we were always on our feet... But we found all the time we needed to have our fun.. I liked the place so much that I decided to stay on in Mysore. And so I was posted in Mysore.

The house hunt at Mysore: Not exactly a mouse hunt... but it sure was a comic story of sorts. I decided to stay with another two of my friends from my training batch in a house. We began hunting for houses. Wherever we went, we carried this tag of being an Infoscion - which to us meant pride, but to the locals meant "rich". So basically there was an immediate 50% hike in the rate of anything if we didn't know the local language, or even worse if we had our Infy ID card clipped on! But despite all this, we found the place to me cheaper than Chennai as Mysore isn't all that big a place. We found a wonderful 3 bedroom appartment, which must have been among the poshest that Mysore could offer. I loved the place the moment I saw it. The owner was ok with us being "bachelors". Do they expect us to get married just to find a house!! :) Marriage isn't that simple is it? Anyways, we had to find a place before the end of that day, as it was our last day that we had accomodation on campus. So we paid this guy the advance and packed our bags. Sometime around 6 in the evening, we take our bags and go over to the appartment complex. As we move our luggage(we had a lot of it) upstairs, we see the secretary of the building and other "association" members stand in front of our appartment refusing to let us get into the appartment! It seems they have some rule in that building stating that bachelors would not be allowed! Well here it begins again.... The marriage game! For Christ's sake... weren't these people unmarried at any time... Or were they born married to someone! We tried doing out bit at negotiating but nothing worked. These people even refused to let us stay there for a night. We finally convinced them to take care of our luggage. So we were stranded without a place to stay.... Walking around trying to figure out what to do! The next day we spoke to this owner and he threw a fit saying he would take the association to court and stuff like that... All we wanted was a place to stay.... And then he tells us that we could stay in another 2 bedroom appartment of his for a few days till he sorts out this problem he had.... So we move to another appartment.... This was much cheaper... was a new appartment... We liked this a lot too... More so as it was more economical... We spent little short of one month in this appartment before the people in the building always seemed to have a problem with everything we did... Right into the amount of water we were using for a bath! So we searched for other places and finally found an independent house with 3 bedrooms that was far cheaper than this place..... We moved... and that was where we stayed henceforth... The things we did at this place... All the noise we made disturbed no one... The late nights on our own terrace.... The small home-made parties.... Was one hell of an amazing life... Add to that, the fact that I was on bench( for not IT people: without a project - jobless with pay), and this was a honeymoon period of my life... Was getting paid good money, without doing any real work! I watched so many movies, went to so many restaurants... and basically had a ball of a time!

Back to Chennai: By this time, my life had changed in many ways....For reasons very important to me, I had to get back to Chennai. It brought back memories from the past... and drove me towards my future... This city would always be home to me... Would always welcome me and keep me smiling.... The first few weeks after I returned, I found things very difficult. For one, I was put into a project right at the beginning.... Moreover I had to stay late hours at office... It was like a total shift for me.... Apart from that the climate was getting to me... It was boiling upwards of 30 degrees on the mercury and I found it difficult stepping outdoors even for a few minutes. Apart from these differences, I found that my circle of friends had shrunk drastically.... All the people I once knew were in different parts of the world or busy with their lives.... At this point, I came to understand what many of my older friends had told me. Once you begin to work, your circle closes in... and then you choose to spend the free time you have wisely with the people whose company you enjoy the most... And hence the circle closes in and at times you feel like you're really getting older and older.. It becomes more difficult to meet new people and make new friends... And so you got to hold on to your existing friends!! Damn... life for sure is one viscious circle!

Today: I'm back in Chennai..... feeling pretty lonely... Lots of things happening in life that I don't understand... Its like a repeat of things I dint wanna ever be a part of again... And it makes me think of what I'm doing with my life and my decisions. Am I just being stupid and stuck somewhere in a dream? When will i get down. But as I keep moving away/towards the truth, I begin to notice a lot more of the things around me. Everything has an essence and all the happenings around become highlighted. Is this an indication of reality hitting me? That I don't know.... Will have to wait and watch how things go over the next few months or possibly over the next few years.... But trust for sure is getting wiped out... going with the wind... and a few silly actions that I can only blame on immaturity. And I forgive... Is it because I am weak... or is it because I am caring and loving? Whatever the answer is, it makes me look bad... And all this while I never did care coz I thought all the lil things I did would be noticed and I would be cared and loved for. Now, I'm having second thoughts. And I did not bring it on..... Wonder where this road's gonna leave me over the next few months. I just hope I do the right thing....