Well i'm just back from a few days in Madras(Chennai for those who insist)... and the heat is killing there... Well many things happened there and many things didn't... but I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason and that reason i think is for me to learn... So good or bad... I gotta learn something from all that's happening in my life....
It took me so much of time and going against all the things i strongly felt with or the principles that i had set over the past year to make up my mind... I realised what i wanted and that i was not going to give up my feelings easily... And even though other things like family,values expected of us, community rules,etc etc... are very important to me... These things now add up as constraints.... and yes distance... I guess all of this made me think for a long time... I had my swings in decisions in the beginning and i even tried to forget my feelings... But the more i tried to forget... the more it became clear to me that these feelings were important to me and i really didn't want to let them go....And then i began to weigh my options and then also tried to prioritize what was important to me... Believe me this took a lot of time and was mentally really stressful... And then i made a decision... and with that decision i went to madras....
But now on my return, well i have been successful, but not in the way i believed i would be when i left... but in a different way... I have really never felt at these extremes and then been totally stable... Off course there may have been a tear or two... but on the whole i held myself pretty well i feel... The first time i've been able to do this... guess i am growing... not a kid anymore..Well this is also a reason i feel better... and then there's this feeling that, yes someone does care and there are other things that have to go into a relationship... I am still thinking over it... and i have realised how important it is to respect the other person's feelings and personal space... and i should not keep my thoughts confined to my feelings and my needs... That would be being selfish... and this has been another sphere in which i feel i am learning... I'm glad to be patient and wait to see how things fare... whether it goes my way or against me... i'm sure now that both ways i will be a winner...And yes i have come to realise that in all the process of me beginning to look at what lies ahead of me years down the line, i'm actually losing sight of what lies right in front of me... Like riding a car or a bike on the road and looking way ahead and then going into a pot-hole right in front of u!!! And yes i guess the stock market has also reacted to the way i am behaving in this situation... he he... biggest fall in the history of the stock market... 825 points on a single day!! whew...
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
The puppet that I really feel like!
About a week back when I did some serious thinking about who I really am, i came upw with some stunning but strikingly obvious.... Well let me lead u on to this revelation......
I started thinking of my life so far... Well for the record, i belong to a town called Virudhunagar(close to Madurai) born in a Nadar community. This community is pretty much in awe of itself and never dare to step beyond and is also conservative. Well i thought of the schools I went to, the important decisions that were made in my life, the movement through the different phases and i have realized that my participation towards making my life was hugely limited.... All through my life my decisions have been guided or rather set in front of me.... I now feel like these horses that are made wear these blinders so that they can only see wat their owners or trainers want them to see... and that is the road ahead of them... Their vision is so limited and they do not know anything other than the road... not even what lies on the side of the road!! Every decision of mine has had my parents telling me that this is what should be done... and they also make me feel the same way... obviously that's the only choice that is laid out in front of me....And i have followed feeling happy(Am i really happy???) Well I'll come back to this again at a later stage.....
There's also this concept of a shell that has been around me for all these years and still continues to be there.... its like this protective cocoon that has been wound around me by my parents and my society... This has led to my potential lying untapped i believe... I believe that i will be more enterprising and will use my potential more if i know that there isn't the matress waiting to catch me should i fall.... This shell gives me my limits and its basically like if i were to leave the shell I could never get back in... Like a nut's shell that when once cracked can never be put back together!!! I know some of u out there may be thinking..."Wat's wrong with this guy??? .... Its so nice to have so much security in life!" But believe me, there is so much of frustration that gets built up over the years... What if i had it in me to be the best singer there ever was, or the best cook(these are just examples!!!).... Now those don't even seem to be on the list of what i am allowed to do!!
Thus I feel like this puppet with so many strings around me controlling every movement of my body! Should i try to break lose.... Things become unstable... But i guess there will be a day or a moment wherein I really will want to break lose from all these strings and find out the real me......
Excuse me people but i really have to run now!! I'm at Coimbatore now to get my bus to go back home and i just realised that my bus is in some time... so i'll get back on this topic once i get home.... Later....
I started thinking of my life so far... Well for the record, i belong to a town called Virudhunagar(close to Madurai) born in a Nadar community. This community is pretty much in awe of itself and never dare to step beyond and is also conservative. Well i thought of the schools I went to, the important decisions that were made in my life, the movement through the different phases and i have realized that my participation towards making my life was hugely limited.... All through my life my decisions have been guided or rather set in front of me.... I now feel like these horses that are made wear these blinders so that they can only see wat their owners or trainers want them to see... and that is the road ahead of them... Their vision is so limited and they do not know anything other than the road... not even what lies on the side of the road!! Every decision of mine has had my parents telling me that this is what should be done... and they also make me feel the same way... obviously that's the only choice that is laid out in front of me....And i have followed feeling happy(Am i really happy???) Well I'll come back to this again at a later stage.....
There's also this concept of a shell that has been around me for all these years and still continues to be there.... its like this protective cocoon that has been wound around me by my parents and my society... This has led to my potential lying untapped i believe... I believe that i will be more enterprising and will use my potential more if i know that there isn't the matress waiting to catch me should i fall.... This shell gives me my limits and its basically like if i were to leave the shell I could never get back in... Like a nut's shell that when once cracked can never be put back together!!! I know some of u out there may be thinking..."Wat's wrong with this guy??? .... Its so nice to have so much security in life!" But believe me, there is so much of frustration that gets built up over the years... What if i had it in me to be the best singer there ever was, or the best cook(these are just examples!!!).... Now those don't even seem to be on the list of what i am allowed to do!!
Thus I feel like this puppet with so many strings around me controlling every movement of my body! Should i try to break lose.... Things become unstable... But i guess there will be a day or a moment wherein I really will want to break lose from all these strings and find out the real me......
Excuse me people but i really have to run now!! I'm at Coimbatore now to get my bus to go back home and i just realised that my bus is in some time... so i'll get back on this topic once i get home.... Later....
Rediscovering my earlier ages
I was at Ooty this weekend, I came for the Founders Day celebration at my school - Lawrence School, Lovedale and it was four days filled with nostalgic feelings....
I am coming back to school after six years...it was so wonderful meeting old friends.. Well not too many people turned up... There were 13 members of my batch who turned up but it was great....
I wonder at times whether its ever possible to lose friends... Well maybe it is... But this trip was like a rediscovery... Met some of these guys after so many years and still it was wonderful... Though most of them have changed physically, each and every one of them was fundamentally the same... They still behaved in the same manner and spoke in the same way... and i guess thought in the same way... Walking through the many corridors of my school with these guys brought back into my mind the memories from my school days.. I guess i am very much the person i am today mainly because of this wonderful institution.... which also includes the friends I had here... I walked all over school countless times... Went to the dormitory I was in when i was like 8 years old... Seeing the sheer size of the bed made me smile and think of all the things i had done when i was there... And the class rooms... Made me think of how then I used to always want to grow up and go to college so that i would have more freedom and would be more responsible!! But now I think I would give up so much just to re-live the life i lived there with all the friends that i had in school... Time has brought so many hurdles between so many people i thought i would always be in touch with throughout my life... There were few people I considered indispensable when I was in school and now I never hear from them...Or rather i don't let them hear from me(Why pass the blame!!)
This makes me worried and disturbed as the same is happening now... Today I have got my results for the final semester of college and I am now through with college in every aspect... So, where will this lead to... Off course, I am moving on to a new phase of my life... but wat about my friends... Will I again let time and distance move between our relationship?? I always have thought that after the relationship between one's parents, friendship is the most important... So many ways friendship is something that can bring u out of the deepest of moments and also help u relive the highest of moments... So now wat is friendship?? Is friendship a ship that is sailing on the ocean moving away from wat we want to see of is friendship the very Ocean?????
I have always felt that its good to fall, as if u never fall, U will never know how to pick ureself up when u eventually do! So now I've had to bid adieu to my friends already on two major occasions - Once when I left Lawrence and again when I left Montfort. And on both these occasions i've had a tear in my eye when I had to leave... I felt so strongly in my heart that i have to keep in touch with my dear friends no matter how or where life takes me.... But if i think of the number of the good friends that i've been in touch with... It hurts me... There are so few of them that i can still confidently say I'm in touch with... So will the same thing happen??? Will I find new friends who take more importance?? Its good of course to make new friends, but should this occur at the cost of old friends?? I really don't seem to understand!! Everything seems so confusing... wat ever it means... i sure do hope that the life i am to lead ahead always lets me understand that some of the good friends now carry a priority over many of the other things dat happen in my life... I don't want to lose more friends.... I think friends are too important in life...
So i think i am going to make a conscious effort to renew my contacts and regain the many wonderful friends i have made... and also keep my current friends... Its very important to do so....Friendship is like a plant that needs no water and can keep growing with no death but if watered can give the most beautiful flowers......
I am coming back to school after six years...it was so wonderful meeting old friends.. Well not too many people turned up... There were 13 members of my batch who turned up but it was great....
I wonder at times whether its ever possible to lose friends... Well maybe it is... But this trip was like a rediscovery... Met some of these guys after so many years and still it was wonderful... Though most of them have changed physically, each and every one of them was fundamentally the same... They still behaved in the same manner and spoke in the same way... and i guess thought in the same way... Walking through the many corridors of my school with these guys brought back into my mind the memories from my school days.. I guess i am very much the person i am today mainly because of this wonderful institution.... which also includes the friends I had here... I walked all over school countless times... Went to the dormitory I was in when i was like 8 years old... Seeing the sheer size of the bed made me smile and think of all the things i had done when i was there... And the class rooms... Made me think of how then I used to always want to grow up and go to college so that i would have more freedom and would be more responsible!! But now I think I would give up so much just to re-live the life i lived there with all the friends that i had in school... Time has brought so many hurdles between so many people i thought i would always be in touch with throughout my life... There were few people I considered indispensable when I was in school and now I never hear from them...Or rather i don't let them hear from me(Why pass the blame!!)
This makes me worried and disturbed as the same is happening now... Today I have got my results for the final semester of college and I am now through with college in every aspect... So, where will this lead to... Off course, I am moving on to a new phase of my life... but wat about my friends... Will I again let time and distance move between our relationship?? I always have thought that after the relationship between one's parents, friendship is the most important... So many ways friendship is something that can bring u out of the deepest of moments and also help u relive the highest of moments... So now wat is friendship?? Is friendship a ship that is sailing on the ocean moving away from wat we want to see of is friendship the very Ocean?????
I have always felt that its good to fall, as if u never fall, U will never know how to pick ureself up when u eventually do! So now I've had to bid adieu to my friends already on two major occasions - Once when I left Lawrence and again when I left Montfort. And on both these occasions i've had a tear in my eye when I had to leave... I felt so strongly in my heart that i have to keep in touch with my dear friends no matter how or where life takes me.... But if i think of the number of the good friends that i've been in touch with... It hurts me... There are so few of them that i can still confidently say I'm in touch with... So will the same thing happen??? Will I find new friends who take more importance?? Its good of course to make new friends, but should this occur at the cost of old friends?? I really don't seem to understand!! Everything seems so confusing... wat ever it means... i sure do hope that the life i am to lead ahead always lets me understand that some of the good friends now carry a priority over many of the other things dat happen in my life... I don't want to lose more friends.... I think friends are too important in life...
So i think i am going to make a conscious effort to renew my contacts and regain the many wonderful friends i have made... and also keep my current friends... Its very important to do so....Friendship is like a plant that needs no water and can keep growing with no death but if watered can give the most beautiful flowers......
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Where and Why do u go!!!
Hey everyone...
Today i'm packing my bags to leave this college!! Been here for four years... amazing story its been... more on dat some other day.... But as i was cleaning up i found this poem of mine i had written like a long time back and thought i'd post it here.....
This darkness shows no day
In moments of despair,
I wonder how I'll fare.
Where did u leave me to be?
Blinding the eyes that you taught to see.
Where do I hold to stand?
Why did u throw me away?
I keep searching for your hand....
This darkness shows no day.
In the times that I weep,
The sadness into me it creeps.
Why did u say to me?
That with me u will always be??
I can't hold on anymore..
I'm lost without ure glow.
Where was I meant to be?
Where's the courage u gave me??
These wounds don't seem to heal,
Time going by, i can't feel.
Would you ever again hold me?
Can I ever again dream??
Should I go on ahead alone?
I've always walked with you.
And now I'm limping along...
My tears are never few.
The many things we shared,
The way in which you cared,
The sweetest smile I were to see,
The warmth in your touch I were to feel.
When I were to feel so low,
To you my heart's words I would pour.
Now why did you let go,
The happiness we shared I feel no-more.
The memories don't desert me,
Even long after u walked away.
Every little thing you said,
Doesn't dislodge itself from my head.
Your voice still lingers in my ear,
The lonely nights i fear.
Your every memory will always be with me,
Your spirit is in me with immortality.
Today i'm packing my bags to leave this college!! Been here for four years... amazing story its been... more on dat some other day.... But as i was cleaning up i found this poem of mine i had written like a long time back and thought i'd post it here.....
This darkness shows no day
In moments of despair,
I wonder how I'll fare.
Where did u leave me to be?
Blinding the eyes that you taught to see.
Where do I hold to stand?
Why did u throw me away?
I keep searching for your hand....
This darkness shows no day.
In the times that I weep,
The sadness into me it creeps.
Why did u say to me?
That with me u will always be??
I can't hold on anymore..
I'm lost without ure glow.
Where was I meant to be?
Where's the courage u gave me??
These wounds don't seem to heal,
Time going by, i can't feel.
Would you ever again hold me?
Can I ever again dream??
Should I go on ahead alone?
I've always walked with you.
And now I'm limping along...
My tears are never few.
The many things we shared,
The way in which you cared,
The sweetest smile I were to see,
The warmth in your touch I were to feel.
When I were to feel so low,
To you my heart's words I would pour.
Now why did you let go,
The happiness we shared I feel no-more.
The memories don't desert me,
Even long after u walked away.
Every little thing you said,
Doesn't dislodge itself from my head.
Your voice still lingers in my ear,
The lonely nights i fear.
Your every memory will always be with me,
Your spirit is in me with immortality.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
My first real Goodbye.......
Life has made me bid farewell to so many people… I have been lucky to have made countless friends… who as time would have its way, I’ve had to say good bye to… But it has always been a consolation knowing that someday I would be able to see them again….. So my goodbye then was in vain, coz it was just a momentary thing….
But today… I have actually learnt the meaning of good bye and what it means to say Good Bye to someone u care about and someone who has been a part and parcel of ure happiness and life…..Irene’s leaving to France today… don’t know if she’ll ever come back here… But I do know wat my Good Bye to her meant today… it meant Good bye friend… I HOPE to see u in the near future… But I feel I may never see u again… And that thought is disturbing… I know each and every one of us have our path to follow and the life we have forces us to go our ways… But then there’s always this lil thing in ure heart which wishes parting would not be so hard… And yes its difficult to meet people who actually make a difference in your life…
I have to part with most of my friends from college in a month’s time maybe…but then even if I can never meet all of them together.. at a moment’s notice I’m sure I’ll be able to meet the ppl I want to…. Because they are staying close to me…. And that makes me take things for granted I guess… Good bye doesn’t mean much to me then… though it may make me feel bad momentarily….
This sudden change in my head is disturbing…. The fact that I may never meet someone I feel is a nice person… Different things run through my head… Maybe I could have spent more time with her… Maybe I could have got to know her better… Have I lost out on some time I could have spent with her… I know I would have felt the same for any of my other friends… But this happened to be the first…
Before I met my French friends who by the way are very lovely and nice ppl… I never thought I could be friends with foreigners… ppl whose way of life is different from mine… But then once I got to know them it felt better… It wasn’t so difficult… even if I’m stuck in a room with ppl speaking just French and I strain to understand… Just the feeling that I was amongst friends made me feel all the better… But now the only regret that I have with making friends who are from a far away place happens to be the fact that how will I say goodbye to them… If I am so affected with saying goodbye to Irene… How will I feel when I will have to say goodbye to Guillaume, Audrey or Clemence…. ???? Will I be able to get back to my normal life… Am I to turn the page like it were a book on go on…. Yes I guess that’s wat I have to do and will be forced to do… But how I would like it if I knew they were just a moment’s distance away… Won’t that make parting easier… Well life has its ways… and nothing I do or say is gonna change anything… So I just have to get used to the fact that friends will remain friends no matter where they are on this planet as as ppl say I hope this world is getting closer and closer… The Global Village they call it… One day it should be easy to travel anywhere in the world without having to think over it… And I can just pray that all the friends that I have made during the course of my stay here should remember me and value me for the person that I was….Good bye dear friends…..If only I could change the way time and distance come’s between us… I hope the best for u….
But today… I have actually learnt the meaning of good bye and what it means to say Good Bye to someone u care about and someone who has been a part and parcel of ure happiness and life…..Irene’s leaving to France today… don’t know if she’ll ever come back here… But I do know wat my Good Bye to her meant today… it meant Good bye friend… I HOPE to see u in the near future… But I feel I may never see u again… And that thought is disturbing… I know each and every one of us have our path to follow and the life we have forces us to go our ways… But then there’s always this lil thing in ure heart which wishes parting would not be so hard… And yes its difficult to meet people who actually make a difference in your life…
I have to part with most of my friends from college in a month’s time maybe…but then even if I can never meet all of them together.. at a moment’s notice I’m sure I’ll be able to meet the ppl I want to…. Because they are staying close to me…. And that makes me take things for granted I guess… Good bye doesn’t mean much to me then… though it may make me feel bad momentarily….
This sudden change in my head is disturbing…. The fact that I may never meet someone I feel is a nice person… Different things run through my head… Maybe I could have spent more time with her… Maybe I could have got to know her better… Have I lost out on some time I could have spent with her… I know I would have felt the same for any of my other friends… But this happened to be the first…
Before I met my French friends who by the way are very lovely and nice ppl… I never thought I could be friends with foreigners… ppl whose way of life is different from mine… But then once I got to know them it felt better… It wasn’t so difficult… even if I’m stuck in a room with ppl speaking just French and I strain to understand… Just the feeling that I was amongst friends made me feel all the better… But now the only regret that I have with making friends who are from a far away place happens to be the fact that how will I say goodbye to them… If I am so affected with saying goodbye to Irene… How will I feel when I will have to say goodbye to Guillaume, Audrey or Clemence…. ???? Will I be able to get back to my normal life… Am I to turn the page like it were a book on go on…. Yes I guess that’s wat I have to do and will be forced to do… But how I would like it if I knew they were just a moment’s distance away… Won’t that make parting easier… Well life has its ways… and nothing I do or say is gonna change anything… So I just have to get used to the fact that friends will remain friends no matter where they are on this planet as as ppl say I hope this world is getting closer and closer… The Global Village they call it… One day it should be easy to travel anywhere in the world without having to think over it… And I can just pray that all the friends that I have made during the course of my stay here should remember me and value me for the person that I was….Good bye dear friends…..If only I could change the way time and distance come’s between us… I hope the best for u….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)