A new Chapter.... A new beginning

Its been ages since I got down to filling anything here... But now I feel I have to describe my life as it has changed drastically.

Mysore - A life totally unparalleled by any other phase of my life! Being left with all the time in the world, giving my mind space to think about anything and everything. Movies, Games, TV, eating out, etc etc... that's all I ever did in Mysore... I was getting a salary, but didn't really have anything big to do to justify all of that. Almost a year of sitting idle doing nothing but enjoying my life. But one fine day, I decide to get back to Chennai, get back for the sake of love, for the sake of getting back with old friends, for the sake of a new life.

Chennai - I get here to be assigned a project right from the day I arrive. Within a week I was working about 10 hours a day. I hardly had the time for any of the stuff I was so used to. And in another week, I was working 12 hours a day. Off course, atleast the project I got into wasn't the kind of stuff I detested, but rather more to do with being able to communicate with people and co-ordinate with people. So that calls for some consolation. But the person I got here for has been so busy that we actually hardly get time to be with each other or speak to each other. But despite the busy lives we have, I feel we have got to be so much closer and our relationship has gone to a totally new level.

One decision - And life can change beyond imagination. Who would think, I, of all people would sit in office for 12 hours a day! I find it difficult to believe, but yes its true. And the best part is, its not as bad as I thought it would be. Off course I found it difficult in the beginning - the heat, the working hours, getting up early in the morning, getting back late, not being able to watch at least a movie a day and so many other things! But now its fine, I have something to keep my mind occupied and it isn't running wild with crazy ideas. I am more confident of who I am. I am trying to be a role model for the people around me. Holding on to a few of my emotions which other wise weren't really helping me!

Change - Takes time to set in... but for sure is inevitable. I'm hoping sooner than later, I get to be able to take the next big step in my life. I know what I want and I'm hoping it happens pretty soon. I just realised I'm all ready to take the big step.

Where are you, my angel?

How very hurting can life get? When all the things you stood strong for… you believed in… and loved… came crashing on you from all sides… When all the pillars and supporting material caved in… When you just had to hold on to only yourself… when the little bit of happiness you found and tried to give just came back hitting you hard realizing that you are just a mere mortal… a mere human being… When you sacrifice just for love… When you are willing to do all to keep the flame burning… even with the wind and the rain just fighting with each other to take your flame away… And they leave you alone only when they realize that they’re going to have to take you first before they can go anywhere near the light your flame shines….

Dejection can just be an understatement and life can just be so different from what you try to understand of it. Where tears no more mean anything… and when feelings don’t help in getting you where you want. Helplessness just feeding more pain into the open wounds… when you feel that there is nothing that you want more, than to just live… To just be given a way to live… just a way to breathe… just a way to try to understand… just someone to believe in…. to have faith in something… to be able to see beyond the small trees… to be able to fly with the birds… to be able to fall asleep on the clouds….

I know there’s someone up there listening to me as I plead… or do I convince myself there is someone…. I know there’s something in this life for me… but can’t it just be what I want and can’t it just be made into something simpler…. How can words come out to mean something? How can words ever be enough to make someone understand the things you want and the things you feel? What can be given and what can be said… Someone has got to help out here… If there’s my angel listening somewhere… Please show me the way… I don’t even need a hand…. I just need the light.

Confused??

Ever been through dat phase of ure life where you don't know wat's gonna happen and wat lies ahead.... I repeatedly seem to be passing through this phase... And as I grow older I have realised that its left to me to be able to handle it... I am seemingly more and more alone when I think. When I first finished school and I had to get into a good college, off course I was nervous and tensed... but more because I wanted to live up to my parents expectations and stuff like dat.... I just worked and let my parents worry for me..... I did get into a good college... Then I was again in this phase when I was finishing college...Worrying about what to do next... and this time it was more on my shoulders... My parents were there for support, but deep down inside me I knew that it had to be my decision and I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life......It was difficult... i was not used to handling all that pressure.... But then I got through and today I am working for a very good company.... though i really don't know if I'm enjoying my job today.... (Will get down to that in some other post probably)...

Today i am again worried about where things are going... Have again come to another cross-road... Don't know which direction I have to take. So much pressure and this time I feel like I'm all alone... There are so many things that I cannot speak to them about at this moment...
I don't know what is gonna happen few years down the line... Where am I gonna be.... I have to study further... That i know for sure...But I've always been responsible only for myself....Now, I also am responsible for this person whose so special and means so much to me in my life!! Its up to me to be courageous for the two of us... We both know how we want life to be for us and we're sure we want to be together... but its upto me now to handle things the way it should be... think ten times before taking a small step... and step by step... gotta reach where we want to be...Want the rest of our lives to be perfect for us... So this is going to take a lot of thinking and planning... This time its mostly that I'm alone thinking and working things out... Off course she's there with me to support me and prod me on.... but have always thought of her as my lil kid.... Don't want to put too much pressure on her... she wouldn't be able to take it.... And in the midst of all this get so many things running in my head and sometimes I begin to think that life isn't being fair to me.... I know i'm being selfish and stupid thinking like that... For instance... Life showed me the path to her... and that is something that has made everything so perfect for me... Opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of loving and caring.... I just want everything to be perfect for us...

I just hope that everything goes on for the best and I'm able to convince everyone around me... atleast the people who need to be convinced; that this is how life should be and this is how I want to live my life... And if they really do want me to be happy, then this is what they need to do for me! Back at the cross-roads.... Too many directions and too few choices.....

But despite all the braveness I try to portray... Something in me has cracked and the strong wall I built around me sometime back is trying to fall.... Need help rebuilding it... Just want to be strong so badly and I always land up breaking up.... Not used to all this pressure.... I have to study also... Coz where I am now is not enough... I have to be in a position to be able to be well placed in life.... To give my family all that we need... Should not have to depend on my parents for all of this....

Making our Paradise

Would you be there to smile at me every day,
Would we be together to see the sun everyday.
Would you choose to go with your heart.
Or would you rather say goodbye and part?

Would you rather leave behind all the thoughts?
Or would you like to stay to build those thoughts?
Would you rather feel my hands slipping away?
Or would you rather hold them through the sway?

All I want to do is hold you all my life,
I can’t even think of another way.
I wouldn’t know where to hold on,
I wouldn’t be able to go too long.

I’d be totally beaten back,
Not able to find the track.
I need to know if love is pain,
Or whether its there to cover the rain.

All these tears are not just in vain,
I know there’s someone watching me in pain.
And love would be a prayer I have sent,
A life with you I’d never resent.

Would you ever feel the way I feel?
Would you ever hold me as I sleep.
Would we get to be in our dream,
Or is it going to fade away with the sleep?

Will your voice always echo in my ear?
Or is it going to take me into fear?
Every second moving closer to the fence,
Hanging on to our every last defense.

Together we will recreate the meaning of love,
Together we will hold onto all that we’re there for.
Paint the picture that we’re meant to draw,
All our colours bringing to fade everything around.

This is what is meant to be,
Don’t know how you cannot see.
Take all the courage you have,
To make this all our very own paradise.

Movie Crazy Tamil Nadu

All over the world, movies influence people and also inculcate in them a myriad of reactions and feelings. But nowhere in the world can movies actually have an impact on people than in Tamil Nadu. This can be endorsed by the fact that all the politicians who are someone in this state have all been from the film world and each one’s vote bank has been nurtured and brought up on the basis of different movies. Our people don’t just watch a movie to take time of from their busy schedule but rather movies are a part and parcel of their schedule. Queues stretching as far as ones eyes go to get a ticket for a movie on the first day is a very common sight in Chennai. In the beginning, I used to wonder why people would stand in such long queues to get a ticket on the first day, or even going to the level of buying a ticket in the “black”, when you could come back to see the very same movie about a week or even a month later very comfortably. But after I stayed in Chennai for a few years I understood that this was practically drilled into us. We were forced by society and the general public into doing being there to watch a movie on the first day. Maybe, this could be another form of social pressure or even “peer” pressure, if I may be allowed to use this term. My friends would get excited just at the thought of a movie that was going to be released even a year later. They would go to any levels to be the first to get some little bit of information on the movie, something that others didn’t know. Why? Because everyone is interested and there are hardly a handful of Tamilians who would not flutter an eye-lid when a Rajinikanth starrer or Kamal-Hassan starrer was to release!

Rajinikanth movies are really something in Tamil Nadu. A first day show of a Rajinikanth movie could cost anywhere between Rs.500 – Rs.1000 in the black, as you can be pretty sure that you wouldn’t be able to get a ticket at the counter (Blame it on the fan clubs or the influence of people with the theatre owners). So if you were just a commoner, you would have to probably buy a ticket for this cost. And there are so many people who would do anything to lay their hands on this ticket. People who hardly make enough money for a living and to support their family would be willing to spend so much money to get their hands on a ticket to their “Thalaivar’s” film!

Leaving aside the monetary factor, a movie release is more celebrated as a festival here in Tamil Nadu. With people bursting crackers, sticking posters and hanging streamers all over the towns and cities, a movie release gives people a more “understood” common reason to celebrate. It is very common to see people dancing and screaming out at theatres vehemently sure that their “demi-god” on screen can here what they have to say and will appreciate them for their loyalty and antics. Fans turn into political parties and fans turn into MLAs (ministers in the state assembly). This is how “loyalty” is rewarded in our political system (which also includes the film industry). Very simply put, there is a very thin line that divides our political system from our film industry. This line can choose to appear when it is needed and also disappear when it is not needed.

So how should our film-makers act knowing and understanding the prevailing situation. They know that every action our superstar performs on screen is going to be imitated by thousands and many are going to live the character their star plays on screen. So here comes the million-dollar question – Are our movie makers being responsible and taking movies understanding the sentiments of our people. This is highly debatable, but I choose to say that there are very few film-makers who make a movie responsibly. I understand that people are expected to act in an independent manner and are supposed to be able to think for themselves, but are our people thinking for themselves? A small illustration to drive home the above fact is smoking on-screen. Yes, I agree it does look stylish to see an actor blowing smoke in different shapes, but I personally do know many people who have taken to smoking because they have seen their favourite actor do so on screen. This is just a small illustration of the on-going situation. Movie-makers are taken away by commercial aspects of movies and resort to taking ugly scenes (like badly taken rape scenes) in order to bring crowds into the halls. They even work their way through the censor board to justify such scenes in our movies. Maybe our film-makers should concentrate more on spreading messages through their films to create social awareness on a host of reasons. You could very well argue that this would lead to boring films and “documentary-like” films, but I beg to differ. There was a certain movie in which comedian Vivek focused all of his comedy scenes in the movie on trying to make people understand that many of their customary practices were mostly without rationale. The comedy track was appreciated and enjoyed by all at the same time trying to tell people to think of many of the practices they were following just because their fore-fathers told them to do so!

Only in Tamil Nadu, can a movie be the cause of calling an assembly session, the cost of a movie ticket be cause of state-wide headlines and feuds between fans extend beyond to reach political heights. Only in Tamil Nadu, can actors take on politicians openly in the public, can actors run a three-hour advertisement for himself to create an entry point into his political career and most amusingly can an actor copyright his on-screen behavioral patterns. This is the state where real life isn’t portrayed in movies, but rather scenes from movies and dialogues reflect on a person’s behavioral habits and character. Drama extends to reality and reality rises beyond the galaxy creating super stars who go even beyond to hold the reins of power.